Dadhood

I remember it like it was just three years ago. Hmmm, actually it was just three years ago.

I was escorting my wife to the bus stop that night. She just finished her day in the office and I was just about to start mine. “Honey, I’ve got something for you, it’s a surprise.” Cool, I thought. I love random acts of kindness. It’s been pretty hard lately how she had to sleep alone in the house and I had to work nights in the office. Having something to bridge the gap was really nice. She handed me a small thin box about the size of two chewing gum packs. “So, what’s in it?” I asked as I shook and held the neatly wrapped box against my forehead pretending to be clairvoyant. “Open it when you are back in the office, it’s something you’ll love.” With that, she kissed me goodbye and boarded her bus ride home.

I was pretty excited when I reached the office that I immediately opened my gift. Judging from the size of the box, I was thinking it might be a cool picture frame I can display on my desk, my workstation was pretty dull and it definitely needed something to jazz it up a bit. I unwrapped the box, saw the product label and immediately felt a big jolt in my chest. Man, do I suck at guessing.

I took out the package inside the box and read the hand written letter that was neatly folded inside. After reading, I caught myself staring into a blank wall just completely awestruck. She was right; it was definitely a surprise. My friend who earlier noticed the box I was holding came up to me and said, “Holy crap!!! I told you dude! I told you it was a pregnancy test kit!!! Damn, I must be psychic!!! Didn’t I tell you it was a pregnancy test result! Man! Oh...ok, I guess you need some time alone huh? I’ll be right over there if you need me.”

I wish I could say that I was surprised more than anything, but I wasn’t really. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but just didn’t realize the magnitude of how it was going to hit me when it finally did happen. You could read about it and see it in the movies a million times, but it just isn’t something until it’s actually you. My surprise quickly turned to anxiety as the reality of what was going to happen slowly dawned on me. Was I ready for fatherhood? Can I be a good role model for a child? Will I ever be able to go scuba diving again? Gee, good thing we already bought that new DVD player.

After gathering myself, Cathy and I talked on the phone. I understood the path she took, and I didn’t blame her. How could she say it to my face? I kept saying before we weren’t prepared financially. I don’t want to raise a child that would always be in want of things I wouldn’t be able to afford. I can’t be a dad with the lousy salary I was getting. Having been married for only six months and finally being able to rent a little slice of heaven we could call home, I didn’t want the life we had to stop. I have waited to be her husband for ten long years. I think I even went as far as figuring that I don’t like kids all that much.

Of course I didn’t dare bring up these things while we were talking, I’m not that much of an insensitive jackass. But she did tell me something that really did calm me down, “Everything is going to be alright Honey, this baby is a blessing...” I guess I should mention that a few months before this, some gynecologist during a routine girly check up told her that there was big chance that we may have difficulty getting my sperm cell and her egg cell to do their thing because she had an inverted uterus or something. I just can’t begin to tell you how emotionally upset she was finding that out.

And so began our nine-month journey into parenthood. I’ll save you the excruciating details of how after saving for our wedding we now had to start all over again and save for the baby. Her doctor during one of our prenatal check ups already dropped the bomb on us and said that she had to perform a C-section because of Cathy’s heart condition. And I suppose by the time someone reads this a few years later, a grand total of nearly eighty thousand pesos for child birth would probably be cheap and laughable. So, let’s skip into the last trimester of her pregnancy.

Cathy was probably one of the most delicate, most sensitive and most fragile pregnant people that I knew. She was basically a walking textbook on everything that pregnant people might go through. Morning sickness, food craving, mood swings, baby keeping her awake at night kicking inside her tummy, skin blemishes and even threatened abortion. She was advised complete bed rest for a full month before she gave birth. It was understandable, as healthy as she was before all of this, her petite little ectomorphic body was now being shared with a little baby. Cathy would complain if I ask her to carry my wallet at times, so imagine having to carry around a wiggly five-pound baby. I tell you, that entire thing about women having larger threshold for pain is true. If it were up to men to have babies, you can bet there wouldn’t be much around.

We didn’t go through the maddening fretfulness of having to rush to a hospital during her due period. We still didn’t have our own car at that time, so it was a convenient benefit of the C-section package that you could just waltz into the hospital calmly prepared for the procedure. We even got to pick our own date, March 7, 2002.

The doctor went inside our room and fully explained the procedure of the operation and what was to expect after it. When the nurses came to take her, we both gave each other a kiss and she was escorted inside. I waited impatiently in the waiting area near the operating room. It was probably the longest wait I have ever experienced in my entire life. I was alone during the first few hours and I could feel every second grind as I waited for someone to come out of the operating room to call out my name. My biggest concern was that my wife and my newborn child make it out all right; the medical bills were a distant second.

“Mr. Cortez?” I sprung out of my anxiety trance, fired up my digital camera and went to the nurse who was pushing a small glass cart where a little person was already crying inside. The first thing I did was a quick inventory of basic body parts. Perfect score, all in tact! I then asked the nurse how the mother was doing; I was assured that every thing was all right. I took about three quick shots from my camera before the nurse brought the baby back inside for the official weight and to get the umbilical cord removed.

As I was watching the nurse carefully cleaning the baby through the glass window, I remember telling myself that was it; I am now officially a father. We are now officially the Cortez Family. There was definitely so much love between Cathy and I and so much beauty in this world. I was excited that we now have a darling little angel to share it with.

We named her Isabella Francesca, after my favorite poet Francesco Petrarcha. Her mom and I call her Frances. She’s all grown up now. Well not quite, actually still a little under two years old. But she’s already doing all sorts of stuff that people tell me are surprising for her age. A lot of people say she looks a little like me. For those who’ve seen me let me assure you that she doesn’t look anything like a gargoyle. As it turned out, a female version of me isn’t that bad after all. A family trip to the mall wouldn’t be complete without us hearing from people how cute Frances looks.

Having a child to care and provide for isn’t all that easy, that’s why if you go to bookstores they have entire shelves dedicated to it. It’s expensive. Frances uses diapers and gobbles milk like a fuel thirsty 4.0 diesel engine. I’m nearly almost always surprised when Cathy tells me we are out of supplies. “But didn’t we just friggin’ bought an entire can and big bags of diapers the other day?” It’s physically exhausting too. Frances still hasn’t outgrown her nightly pre-bedtime tantrums and she still keeps us awake at night when she just cries for no apparent reason. Cathy had no trouble losing weight after giving birth, all because it was the end of sleep during the first full year. My back sometimes hurts from running around chasing her in a stooped up position.

But of course parenting has its rewards. Like most dads, I love playing with my little daughter when I get back from work. It’s true what they say and I never really did understand it until now, but it really does purge out the day’s stress like you wouldn’t believe. Usually all it takes is a nice tight hug coupled with a sweet little kiss from Frances to make all my worries go away. Frances started to talk really early and one of her first sentences was to say I love you mommy and daddy, well actually it sounds more like this, “Ah lab boo daddy.”

There are times when I would just stare at Cathy and Frances before I go to bed and feel like I’m the luckiest man in the world. I would watch them sleep and think back to the time when I was so worried if I would be a good father or a good provider. I still worry about the providing part. But as I found out, there would always be a lot of good to outweigh the difficulty and stressful responsibility of being a parent. If being married was the happiest day of my life, being a dad was certainly my immediate second.

Looking back on that day when Cathy handed me that little box, she was right, it was something I would love, more than I ever thought possible. And though I guessed wrong when I thought it was a picture frame, I now have pictures of my beautiful wife and my lovely daughter to display on my workstation.