One of the most flattering comments I still get is how some people somehow assume that I go to the gym. That of course is laughable when you think about a) how much I love eating, b) how much I love television and c) how much I’d rather spend my remaining free time being with my wife and little daughter.Actually I don’t get flattered right away. I get a little suspicious when people say, “Hey do you work out?” When I see myself naked in front of a mirror I don’t exactly smile and say, “Greek god baby, Greek god!” I usually sigh and immediately get dressed. So when people assume I go to the gym, they are either very misled or they need something from me really bad.
If I were a body of water I would be more like a big lake, I’ve got no plans of moving up to a river. Mainly because I’m a married man, most married people absolutely have no reason to go to the gym. Our spouses love us the way we are (or become) and most of us already have a full body workout program called “The Two Year Old Daughter”.
But I suppose I’m still quite fortunate to have a somewhat Mesomorphic body type, which is why some people probably assume that I work out. No matter how much I starve myself or eat with reckless abandon, there is little or no effect on my bodyweight. Of course I’ve gained a few pounds over the years, but considering how much wheat and dead animals I devour I’m actually in relatively good shape. Which works well for me, I can never see myself going to a gym; I’m just too damn lazy. I’d enroll in a cooking class before I enroll in a gym. The chances of me wanting to cook food are more likely to happen than me wanting to lift a heavy weight.
But looking back when I was in my early teens I actually did contemplate wanting to have membership in a gym. I was into martial arts before and wanted the physique of my boyhood idol Bruce Lee. But my dad would extinguish my thoughts of enrolling in a gym by telling me how I could get the same workout from exercise equipment by doing household chores.It was like a modified scene in “The Karate Kid” where my dad was Mr. Miyagi and I was Daniel San. But unlike in the movie, my dad never did reveal the mystery and wisdom behind chores like “paint the window grills”, “water the plants” or “sweep the floor”. My dad never did ask me to physically act out the movements. When my dad said, “Son, show me wash on-wash off” while pointing to the dirty car, he just literally means I should go grab a bucket of soapy water and wash the car.
But now I kind of see the logic behind it. For one, it’s just outrageous to pay a couple of thousand pesos to go to a place to basically just exhaust yourself by lifting weights. Isn’t it that some people actually get paid by lifting stuff up? Why would you pay someone to be able to lift heavy objects by yourself?If you think that’s weird, how about the concept of having a personal trainer? That’s basically hiring someone to actually encourage you to lift stuff up! Some gym enthusiasts actually admit that they need personal trainers because if they don’t they usually don’t follow through with the program they are given.
So if I understand this correctly, some people willingly pay money to go to a place to lift weights and some actually hire people to make sure they lift weights like they paid to in the first place! Wow, double whammy!With the recent price increases on gasoline and the impact fossil fuel generally has on the ecology, this got me thinking. Since we’ve already established the fact that people will pay good money to go to a place and actually tire themselves out on exercise machines like treadmills, stationary bicycles and stair masters, why not make equipment that have built-in dynamos?
Efforts done on regular exercise machines are just wasted mechanical energy. By installing dynamos on these machines we can harness the power gym goers generate on a daily basis and convert it into electricity. A regular sized gym can probably provide the energy needs of a small home or even the gym’s actual daily electrical consumption. Gym owners would be like, “Hey Berto, can you please tell the guy on the stationary bicycle to speed it up a little, the lights in the shower rooms are starting to get a little dim.” Gym goers can pick on their friends and say, “Pick up the pace on that treadmill fatty, my lunch inside the microwave oven isn’t going to cook by itself!”
But when you think about it, it’s not exactly encouraging to think that gym members are going to be perceived as power sources, they did come to the gym to work out in the first place. Besides, how many figure conscious environmentalists are out there? Exactly! So as an incentive I propose that we provide gym discounts based on the kilowatts a person generates at the end of their work out session. Gym membership fees are expensive, so as an added perk we will then deduct the corresponding amount of electricity on the person’s membership account! It’s a win-win situation, the gym goers tire themselves like they intended to, they save money, and we have just tapped into a new environmentally sustainable energy source!“Whoa, hold it right there lard-ass! It says here on the generator monitor that you barely created enough kilowatts today for an actual discount. I bet I generated more static electricity from walking on the carpet all day! Cough out those extra pesos if you want to keep your membership here in this gym fatty!”
