My two-year-old daughter hates clowns, especially clowns on stilts. I found that out the hard way when my wife and I recently took Frances to an annual kiddie carnival at the Edsa Shangri-La hotel two weekends ago. Apparently, there is something about tall juggling oversized grown men in bright costumes with Kabuki white make up that just doesn’t sit right with her.
What’s ironic about that was that prior to the clown thing, we were beside this Halloween booth where the Michael Jackson video “Thriller” was being shown in a huge screen. The scene where Jacko suddenly grimaced in pain while slowly transforming into a hideous werewolf didn’t seem to bother Frances. But when these juggling clowns on stilts suddenly showed up, she started panicking and screaming that her ear piercing voice reverberated throughout the hotel hallway, practically drowning out the venue’s PA system. I think we were able to annoy every parent and child within a 50-yard radius.
Aside from clowns, Frances is also terrified to death of Santa Claus. Yes, she is horrified at Santa Claus, the ambassador of Christmas spirit, the very icon of the yuletide season. It was about Christmas time and we were eating at this restaurant when this dude in a Santa outfit approached her to hand her candies. My wife and I didn’t see the guy in the red suit while it was closing in on us until it was too late. When Frances suddenly screamed in horror, I nearly choked on the chicken I was eating. Cathy shifted in panic mode because she thought Frances somehow hurt herself. When we saw the approaching Santa Claus we had to beg him to go away and asked the restaurant management if we can move to another table where Santa was out of Frances’ sight.
I suppose that it’s pretty normal. I’ve been to several children’s parties where kids older than Frances suddenly cry when the restaurant’s mascot makes it’s grand entrance and starts to dance. And why not? If I were three feet tall, I’d cry too if a giant cartoon character appears out of nowhere and tries to dance with me.
But what’s really weird is that my daughter somehow likes creepy characters like the skinny and vile Gollum from "The Lord of the Rings". She even does impressions of Gollum by crawling on all fours while whispering, “My preshooosh...” There was this other time I was flipping through channels and briefly saw “Jason Versus Freddy” and she demanded that she wanted to watch it; she eventually cried her lungs out when I refused.
Her latest favorite (again, “favorite”) DVD that she probably has seen over a dozen times by now is the movie Hell Boy. Allow me to point out the irony here: Juggling funny looking clowns on stilts, NO. Huge fighting muscle bound red demon from the fiery depths of Hades, YES!
Believe me, I try not to encourage her, but I’m at her mercy when she tries to deafen me with all her crying. One night, Cathy sneaked to go on a night out with friends while Frances was sleeping. I was left to baby-sit. I was about to sleep myself when she suddenly woke up and wasn’t too happy about realizing her mommy was nowhere inside the house. I tried to bribe her with food, milk, and even her Barney videos, but nothing worked. So then I was forced to say I would let her watch Hell Boy if only she agrees to stop crying. She said, “Ok, I promise to behave” in between sobs. I was able to finally sleep with her silently beside me until the movie ended and she asked if she could please watch it again.
I mentioned Barney, that big purple dinosaur. He used to be my heaven sent child pacifier, until Frances found out that there were cooler badass characters out there besides a 7 foot tall purple dinosaur that seems to have lost it’s appetite for eating little children.
Cathy bought her an Elmo educational video that she sometimes watches, probably only because like Hell Boy, Elmo too is a red monster. Just don’t make her choose between the two, we know what’s more to her liking. But I’ve seen several of these Elmo videos and I’m not too impressed. To think that Elmo hails from Sesame Street, he’s nowhere near as witty as his predecessors. I mean, the idea of a queer sounding furry little red monster just isn’t that cool. My former officemate and good friend Gilbert Gerald Gamad, a great patriot, shares the same sentiments, “Why can’t children’s shows and cartoons today contain some clean adult humor like it used to?” You know, like the classic Sesame’s Street of the early 80s, The Muppet Show, the original Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle cartoons, classic Bugs Bunny and Garfield. These were shows that were funny both for grown-ups and children. Classic shows that even adults haven’t outgrown.
I recently bought Frances “The Best of Ernie and Bert” video that she seems to like. It features some of the classic Ernie and Bert bits that I practically grew up watching. I don’t know who is enjoying it more actually, my two-year-old daughter or me! She is starting to ask that I play it more often for her, which is really great. She is starting to surprise me with a lot of things she picks up from the videos.
Now if only Hell Boy can do a guest appearance on Sesame’s Street to talk about the letter “H” and the number “13” (when he’s not too busy fighting evil monsters of course), there is no telling what I can have my little two year old daughter unconsciously learn! I think we should ask him to lose the cigar though.
