Puerto Galera Routine

(I’m going to try something different today; something that I think hasn’t been done in blog posting history, and probably for a good reason too. I will post accounts of my last vacation at Puerto Galera in an all original stand-up comedy routine transcript. Ok. Let’s see if it works...)

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(host of comedy club introduces comic. comic takes the stage, grabs the microphone and greets the audience)

Hello everybody, how are you all this evening. (applause slowly quiets down)

So I’m from Manila... is anybody here from Manila? (audience members from Manila claps) The heat is just unforgiving this summer isn’t it? It’s so hot in Manila! It’s been so damn hot in fact I think even Satan himself would complain! (slight giggles in the front row)

I drive around in Manila along EDSA in a nice air-conditioned car and I feel bad actually for people who have to work in the streets with this heat wave going on. You know, like honest hard working Traffic Enforcers who have to really just take it because they are required to be on the road managing traffic and keeping order. Those ones I pity. The crooked ones who take bribes and don’t do their job right I don’t feel sorry for at all. I think them working in the scorching hot Manila climate is actually good preconditioning when they eventually go to hell, they’ll be like (does impression of a rough and tough traffic enforcer) “What are you all complain about? This burning sulfur ain’t that hot. I’m from Manila, I was a corrupt traffic enforcer back up there, I’m used to this, you call this hot?!”(audience laughs) (laughter subsides)

Yeah, it’s so hot... me and a few of my officemates decided to go to Puerto Galera last weekend to hit the beach and cool off. Have you guys ever been to Puerto Galera? (some audience members respond) Oh it’s the best! I love being at Puerto Galera, it’s the actual going there and going back that I hate. (audience laughs)

The pier from Batangas to Mindoro is just incredibly chaotic even Mark Burnett would think twice before having it as a destination in the next Amazing Race. (audience laughs) It’s like anarchy over there. The Amazing Race staff wouldn’t be able to get decent video footage because they would be hassled constantly by vendors selling them puka shell necklaces. Hehehe. (audience laughs) "Manang, please...you are in my shot!" (more laughter from the audience)

Then of course there are the boats. Ok folks, word of advice, if you are going to or coming back from Puerto Galera, avoid the big fast craft boats that are supposedly air-conditioned. If they tell you it’s air-conditioned, don’t readily assume they are referring to “cool” air. We boarded one of these fast craft boats and I swear I now know what it's like to be a steam cooked pork dumpling. (audience laughs) And in case you are wondering, the cooking time from Batangas Pier to Puerto Galera Pier is about 45 minutes. (audience laughs)

But it’s not all that bad. The trip is totally worth it. We really had fun. We stayed at this relatively nice resort called Oceana Dive. Yeah, Oceana Dive... not much thought was put into the name if you ask me. You could almost bet that their next eco tourism business venture would be named something like Mountana Climb, Traila Hike, Wave-a Surf or even Poola Swim. (audience laughs)

But considering how cheap our budget was the place was ok. It was where Nothing But Water Swim Wear did their 2003 photo shoot, so it was a huge lure for me that Bianca Gonzales was once there. You all like Bianca? (male audience members cheer) Yeah, I like her too. She’s hot! Of course I have no real shot at her. I’m probably way too old for her; I’m probably not her type. Oh, yeah... and not to mention the fact that I’m married might also be a factor. Hehehe. (audience laughs)

The place we went to was relatively nice, if you check out the website they did have lots of great shots of the place. But you know how it is; you always have to lower your expectations. Ever noticed how most resorts have really awesome location pictures on their websites and brochures? But then you see the actual place and you suddenly feel like a customer in a fast food counter being handed a completely different looking burger from how the product originally appeared like in the promotional poster. (audience laughs)

Anyway, after we settled in we all went to White Beach; it’s where everybody in Puerto Galera congregates. If you are in Puerto Galera and you want to be seen, White Beach is where it’s at! During the summer season White Beach gets so crowded you are likely to bump into someone you know almost certainly, your old officemate, your old schoolmate, your former Trigonometric professor, your old gym instructor, your uncle’s former college room mate’s ex girlfriend’s second cousin’s best friend is there. Everybody who can’t afford to go to Boracay where the real White Beach is at goes there, hehehe. They should call Puerto Galera “Poor Man’s Boracay”. Hehehe. (audience laughs)

But frankly, I love Puerto Galera, and I’ve already been to Boracay. Being more of an ocean dude than a beach bum I definitely appreciate how more accessible the corals are in Puerto Galera than in Boracay. I would gladly exchange hanging out in the beach for Freediving in a coral reef. For one thing, fishes don’t stare at how chubby I look in my wetsuit. They just don’t care. At the rate the coral reefs are being bleached and how irresponsible tourists are destroying their natural habitat, fishes have bigger concerns than making fun of my love handles. They won’t go like, (imitates a fish swimming) “Hey Bernie, I know I shouldn't be the one to talk, you know, being a blow fish and all, but check out this guy’s gut sticking out his weight belt!!! It’s something else huh? Hahaha! Stop me before I over inflate!” (audience laughs)(laughter subsides)

So anyway we were at White Beach and the first thing my officemates did when they got there was to get Henna Tattoos. I personally don’t care for tattoos, removable or permanent. I asked some people why they put on Henna Tattoos when they are in the beach and they say it’s to make their skin look more interesting.

You see that doesn’t work for me. I’ve got too much blemishes on my skin that there is just no more room left for tattoos. I have little ugly measles scars on my back, and the only way to make my skin look interesting is if the artist henna tattoos little numbers beside each measles scar so that fellow beach goers can play connect the dots on my back while sitting in the sand or while waiting for an order, you know like those kiddie meal paper placemats that comes with a maze or a puzzle. (audience laughs)

Then again I guess Henna Removable Tattoos are good for those who don’t want the commitment of getting a real one. Yeah. If you don’t like it, no worries, it washes away. Nothing a good loofa scrubbing won’t fix. Or if the idiot probationary artist at the Henna Tattoo place screwed up your name or your design, just wait if off a week or two. But it still sucks of course. I suppose if you are getting a real tattoo, a permanent one, the worse thing you could possibly hear while getting a tattoo would be the artists softly saying, “Uh oh...” (audience laughs) Hearing “Uh oh” cannot be good. Imagine him doing the tattoo on your back and he goes, (does an impression of a tattoo artist with a beach bum accent) “Uh oh. Ahh, dude...when you said you wanted a tattoo of a Big Bike on your back, you wouldn't by any chance mean a really huge bicycle now would you?" (audience laughs)

Henna Removable Tattoos. What is with that? I mean I still don’t get it. First of all why even call it a “tattoo” if it washes off after a week or two. Isn’t the phrase “removable tattoo” an oxymoron? That’s like saying “honest politician” or “decent porn star”! (audience roars in laughter)

You've been a wonderful crowd! Thank you very much. I’m here all week. Check the chicken sopas on your way out! Good night folks! Drive safely!

(comic exits the stage. decides to keep his day job)